Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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