when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
