I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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