Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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