Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
