Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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