part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Ladies don't puke and tell
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
