Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
