im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
