Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
