my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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