Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Randomize
