When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
