Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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