my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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