"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
