'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
