I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
