got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
