So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
