Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
