If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
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