I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
