that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
