Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
