He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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