i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
