I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
