Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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