Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
