Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
