either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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