Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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