Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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