I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
