Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
