So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
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