So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
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