peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
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