plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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