so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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