someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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