Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
