he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
