You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
