Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Randomize
