Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
