I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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