Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
