And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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